If you're on this site, chances are codependency is a part of your life. Either you're the addicted person and your loved ones are struggling with it, or you yourself care about someone who is addicted to heroin, or another drug. Codependency is a complex idea, however, and most people have trouble recovering from it.
What exactly is codependency? Codependency is a habitual pattern of self-defeating coping mechanisms. It's a complex relationship between the addict and a loved one that appears to be loving but is actually dangerous and damaging to all involved. Codependents care about the addict, so breaking the cycle of behaviors is very difficult. They need to be needed. They often try everything to help the addict, and don't realize they are hurting in the bigger picture. Codependents may try to suppress their negative feelings about the addict and their situation, but these emotions usually emerge in other forms (Urschel, 2009):
Useful links: www.coda.org www.nar-anon.org www.bettyfordcenter.org |
14-19
Themes Associated with Codependency with an Addict Tough Love "Tough love" would make sense if addiction was merely a moral weakness. It would make sense to assume the addict needed a "kick in the pants" to get it together. But addiction is a brain disease, and is psychologically identical to any other compulsive illness. Setting limits for yourself and your family in response to dangerous situations is definitely reasonable. Such tough love should be motivated by the need to protect yourself or your family, not to punish or prod the addict. Punishing has no place in treating addiction, but keeping yourself safe should always be your number one priority. Enabling Many codependents don't realize they are enabling an addict. Anything that helps an addict avoid negative consequences of their behavior, thus encouraging or allowing the addiction, is enabling. (Dodes, 2011). Enabling can be thought of as the opposite of tough love. Here's an example: Joe stays up all night binging on heroin and barely gets any restful sleep. He forgets to set his alarm for work in the morning because he nodded off. Joe's wife calls his work in the morning and tells his boss that he's sick, so he will at least keep his job. A behavior such as this makes complete sense to the codependent because at least she is "saving" Joe from losing his job. She feels that while she is still trying to figure out how to get him to quit (or maybe she has given up), at least she is keeping the pieces together when his addiction threatens to destroy other aspects of his (and their) life. Enabling is an extremely difficult thing to break, but is a crucial part of breaking the cycle of addiction.. and codependency. Lying, Shame and Guilt One of the hardest things for loved ones of addicts to understand is that lying about one's addiction does not necessarily mean that they don't care about you. Lying, shame and guilt can be a big part of addiction in a relationship or family. Most likely, an addict's spouse, child, friend, or family member doesn't want them to use. The addicted person cares about their inner circle and doesn't want to intentionally hurt or disappoint them. Therefore, it becomes extremely hard for many addicts to be honest about their addiction, especially relapses. When lying is protecting an addiction, it becomes just as important as the addiction itself. |
"There is only one person you can always
have control over - yourself."